When My Faith Fell Apart and Scripture Put It Back Together

The Crisis Inside the Church

Have you ever done everything you thought God wanted you to do? Only to watch your life fall completely apart? That's exactly where I found myself about 16 years ago.

I was serving in the church. I was doing the ministry. I was helping people. I was leading. I was doing Bible studies.

I was performing in the worship team, showing up every week. Meanwhile, my own marriage was quietly dying, then it got louder over time. I never imagined that the greatest crisis of my life wouldn't happen outside the church. It would happen inside it.

Today, I'm taking you into the film room of my life, not to replay my pain, but to show you why this podcast exists. So, welcome to a new edition to the Biblical Film Room Podcast where we slow down, reflect, Scripture examine our lives so we can grow in truth, walk in freedom, and live out our identity in Christ. My name is Michael Jerome. I'm your host.

Thank you for joining me today. I am so grateful and glad that you're here. Hey guys, we're going to dive right into our podcast in just a minute. But did you know that if you go to [www.spaceofgracecounseling.com/contact](http://www.spaceofgracecounseling.com/contact), you can book a complimentary 30-minute discovery call to find out how you can experience sustained growth in your spiritual life through the grace method.

The Double Life of a Ministry Leader

On the outside, things appeared, it appeared that that I was living a life of joy and sacrifice and service. I mean, I love serving. my wife and I, we we love ministry, we really enjoyed our our role in the church. We believed we were were making a difference.

And everyone saw the ministry. Everyone saw how we were helping people and how we were sacrificial, but nobody saw the marriage. I I had I had no idea how to be how to be married, how to be a husband. I had no model.

No one had taught me how to how to live with and and love a woman unconditionally, not to mention how to love her like Christ. I I was selfish and and moody. I was I was jealous and insecure. I I was controlling and and tight-fisted financially.

I was wrapped up in an addiction to watching porn and and hiding it. I d I didn't know how to engage in in healthy conflict and and I would avoid uncomfortable conversations with my spouse. And as I said, I I I I didn't know how to be married. I at that time probably had no business being married.

I was married to a single mother and didn't really know how to show up for my stepdaughter and and them together and so that added another level of of division and strife to our relationship. And and my solution? let's do more ministry. Let's do more ministry.

Let's let's share our faith more and then me secretly fulfilling my my lustful cravings through watching inappropriate content. my identity was in what I did and not in who I was because I really didn't know who I was. Everything was wrapped up into church.

I mean no one saw the double life I led as a Christian. I was always learning, but wasn't able to experience sustained change in my life, which was really frustrating. I I lived in fear constantly. A fear of being exposed, a fear of losing my spouse, fear of her maybe stepping out and seeing someone else.

A fear of losing my status and and position in ministry. You know, I I I you know fear of of of many things. The the imposter syndrome I felt was real. But I was pretty good at serving others. leading songs, ushering, greeting people at the door and and praying over people. It's really good at those things. I was successful in ministry w while floundering at home. And it was it was it was a very eye-opening thing for many that really got close.

When Professional and Pastoral Help Fails

Because over time many people began to notice that there was a bigger problem. And the problems around my marriage and parenting of my stepdaughter were deeply concerning to people. So obviously the recommendation was to seek professional counseling, professional marriage counseling.

And then we also got counseling from our church pastors and shepherds. Professional help that we received was helpful short term, but the but the results didn't last, okay? They they didn't stick. The ministry efforts that were s that were spent were were long hours over over over many on over several years.

The shepherds and pastors and elders, they tried. some some of those some of those efforts were were hurtful. I I don't believe anyone intended to hurt us. I simply believe they weren't equipped for what we needed, if that makes sense.

And on the other side of all of this, I felt that others that I thought were my my friends had had abandoned me once the marriage had completely fallen apart. And what was left after this experience was was a lot of broken pieces and and in a major faith crisis. I was even told I would never change by a number of people.

So I I had been walking in the Christian faith. I had grown to believe for thirty years at this point. Yeah, definitely faith crisis. I honestly didn't know what to believe, who to believe, or why I should continue to believe. And I had many unanswered questions, which led to a a great deal of of disillusionment.

Why was this happening to me? I didn't understand it. I was so faithful in in serving and giving to people and pouring out my life. I mean, I I had poured everything I was into ministry. And ministry unfortunately became my identity and and and cost me my family.

The Six Months That Changed Everything

And then the turning point, the in the six months that changed everything. during my separation and after my divorce, there was a span of about six months that was a a really tough time for me. I I had a lot of alone time. I had moved out of my my home into a a small apartment and I was scared.

I was scared, y'all. I had no internet, no TV, really no money. And and no real significant relationship support that I could consistently count on because my family they were all out of town.

And so but I but I had I had three things that were constant. my Bible, solitude, and a chess set that I would play with my son. The the time in the Bible it was a lifesaver. It it gave me space to distinguish between the voice of religious jargon and the voice of the Holy Spirit.

The solitude was scary at first. I had never lived alone my entire life. At the same time, it w it was a gift. It was what I needed. I had to face me, but this time not alone. Even though I lived alone, I f I felt the presence.

The the chess game with my son was my peace, my safe space. I mean, I knew that he would always be there for me and and and that time would would would kinda take away the pain for for a moment. During all that time, I wasn't trying to become a counselor or start a podcast.

I was just trying not to lose my faith. I was just trying to really keep my life together. I was trying to stay stay on the planet, to be honest with you. So I became desperate. I really was. Desperate to hear from God.

I was like, God, you gotta show up and show me if you're really real. I had put everything that I had learned from Christianity, from this church, at this point in my life on the shelf. Put it all on the shelf. And I was at a faith crossroads. Either I'm gonna do this thing or I'm gonna go my own way.

Discovering Identity Beyond Performance

And it was around that time that I realized something. These long lonely evenings in my apartment with no television, no internet, and no real significant support around me. You know, the pain and everything I had gone through in experiencing a failed marriage, you know, it wasn't my biggest problem.

my biggest problem actually was this: that nobody had taught me that my worth and value as a person doesn't come from what I do, but from who I am, who I really am, as my creator defines me. And I learned this truth from my six months of being alone with God, the Father, with my Bible and my solitude.

And I realized that being with God was infinitely more important than doing for God or doing for others. Because many religious people, as I learned, know how to do Christianity and look good on the outside and play the part and do the church thing.

Very few know how to build an entire biblical worldview that can survive and thrive through suffering and thrive on the other side of it. It was in the moments of silence with only a Bible. I know I keep going back to that in my small apartment, not much money, and a chess game that I would play with my son, that I began to receive clarity.

I began receiving revelation about my future and my identity and worth. And one film room insight that I received was from Galatians chapter 1, where the Apostle Paul says, The gospel I preach is not of human origin. I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it. I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.

And that was huge. This is what I meant when I said earlier that I had spent so much time hearing from preachers and other leaders and authority figures in my life. That I really I couldn't really hear God. It was very difficult for me to separate the voice of God from the voice of people, of religious authority.

Over the course of time, I saw support from outside sources. That was really helpful because I couldn't and wouldn't unload all my pain on my 11-year-old son. And so so I sought support from a couple of individuals who sincerely cared about me. a recovery program called Divorce Care that was so instrumental in my my healing and and two faith-based counselors that that were just extraordinary, such a blessing.

The Birth of the Biblical Film Room

these support systems were an integral part of developing a mind renewal that I had never experienced before. Just a different mindset about who I am. And the ceiling of of stunned emotional and spiritual growth that I had known for years was removed. And man, it was like it was exhilarating.

It was fantastic. I I felt like a sprinter going going from 5.2 seconds in a 40-yard dash to 4.5 seconds in six months. Now imagine if you were an athlete and your sprint time went from 5.2 seconds to 4.5 seconds in six months. How would you feel? I began to think if this pain can be used for good for another person, then it would be worth it. It would be worth it.

And this growth spurt and the recovery journey led me to begin a faith-based counseling practice in 2019, you know, a few years after retiring from teaching. But but during my my wandering in the desert moments for for nine months during my my separation and then the six month period in the in the film room in my lonely apartment after my divorce was final, during that time I I had never planned on becoming a a biblical counselor.

I I I wasn't chasing a business or a podcast. I wanted to become the kind of person that I needed when my life and marriage was falling apart. And a space of grace counseling exists because of that. It exists because counseling is about knowing people, and every person has a story.

And every person's story is unique and important and sacred. And and people actually want to tell their stories. They just want to know: will my story be treated with dignity and respect? And if you're and if you aren't willing or interested in knowing a person's story, you you can't help them.

And the story. And that was actually part of my story. Wondering if people were really interested in hearing my story. And so a space of grace counseling was birthed out of a desire to provide a space for people like me to tell their story by unpacking their pain points. But in a similar way, so is the biblical film room. It also began with a story.

You know, two of my clients suggested that I should start a podcast because of my ability to bring scripture to life by contextualizing it to their life circumstance. At first, I was kind of hesitant, but when the second client mentioned it to me, I was sure that it was a path God wanted me to take. And so I wanted to extend this desire to help people like me and like you.

Who have a painful story, a painful past around faith and relationships and hurt and failure, and have trouble telling the story from their perspective. I wanted my voice and my experience to extend its reach.

Entering the Film Room of Your Life

You see, my six month time alone in the Bible and in the solitude of my own apartment with only a chest set reflected back to me what I saw in others. Broken, hurting souls who love the Lord but have trouble making sense of the stories that are being played out in their lives.

Where do I start with that? Who lacked the space to be raw and honest about their journey? and still be seen and treated with dignity and honor and compassion. What you and I have in common, my friend, is this. We live in a fallen, broken world. And sometimes that world falls on us and breaks us.

But we also have in common a God who shows up to pick up the pieces in the film room of self-reflection, honest self-reflection. Not to shame us and not to crush us, but to build us up and put us back together the way he originally found us. Beautiful, accepted, new, his creation. Truth just struck me.

We all we all have a film room. Just like athletes devote themselves to film study, to reflect, to observe, and to hopefully get better. We too have a film room. And in that film room, we replay conversations. We think about our mistakes. We wonder why the relationship failed.

We ask ourselves why we're anxious and why we're angry or lonely or stuck. So the question isn't whether we'll review the film or whether we'll review our lives. Because we're going to do that. The question is what lens are we using? Our failed relationships? Our church hurt?

Our family of origin wounds? Are those the lens that we're using? You see, this podcast isn't about pretending life is easy. Jesus didn't pretend that pain wasn't painful. And neither should you or I. This is about reviewing the film of our lives to uncover blind spots.

To identify tendencies that get in our way and trip us up. In the film room, we review marriages, family, suffering, shame, dating, church hurt, relationships, culture. But we don't stop there. We we compare everything against Scripture, the film that truly doesn't lie.

So I don't know what brought you here. I'm glad you're here. Maybe your marriage is struggling. Maybe you're disappointed with church or some kind of relationship that you're in. Maybe you're questioning God. Maybe you're carrying shame no one knows about.

Whatever brought you here, my friend, hey, you're welcome. Welcome to the film room. Because healing doesn't begin when we ignore the tape. Healing begins when we're willing to watch it honestly. And that's part of my story.

Here we get to put your failures and your faith to the test through the lens of God's infallible word, which is rich in grace and mercy. And we don't have to fear what we see. Because he is here for us. You know, so many believers really fear the Bible, in part because Scripture has been weaponized to exploit their weaknesses.

Hey guys, going to get right back to the show. But before we do, if you need help navigating a religious or relational pain point, hey, just go to [www.spaceofgracecounseling.com/contact](http://www.spaceofgracecounseling.com/contact) to book a complimentary 30-minute discovery call to find out how how I can help you get on the path of healing whatever is holding you back. I've been there. Back to the show.

I want invite you back here next time so we can continue this conversation and journey together. I I got you. In our next episode, we're gonna talk about the biggest mistake I see hurting people make over and over and over again. It's a mistake I made. over and over and over again.

And and I'm gonna borrow a phrase from my podcast mentor, Michael Anthony, from Think Unbroken. Hey, I don't want you to pay the dummy tax and make this same mistake over and over again because I already paid it for you. So so there you go.

And once you see it, this this big mistake that I see people make again and again, y you won't be able to unsee it. So you don't want to miss the next episode. hit that subscribe button. And while you're at it, please leave a comment and share the film with a friend.

Thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it. I will see you next time in the biblical film room where God's word becomes the replay that changes your life. As always, watch the film, renew your mind, live the truth. Godspeed. We'll see you soon.