Ep 02: The Biggest Mistake Christians Make Becoming Before Belonging

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[SPEAKER_00]: Can I ask you a question?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever felt like no matter how much you prayed, no matter how faithfully you serve, no matter how often you showed up at church, how much money you put in the offering plate is still wasn't enough?

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[SPEAKER_00]: It felt that maybe you thought if I just can become a better husband, or if I can become a better wife, if I serve more, if I knew more scripture, if I volunteered more, then maybe, I mean, just maybe, I'll finally feel close to God and be accepted.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Here's what I've learned.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Many Christians spend their lives

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[SPEAKER_00]: trying to become someone got already says they are.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That was me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I confused doing with being the formats with belonging, religion with relationship and it nearly cost me everything because you can't become what you're trying to earn.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You become when you accept the fact you have already

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[SPEAKER_00]: Here, everyone, welcome back to the biblical film room, a place where we slow down, reflect and let scripture examine our lives so we can grow and truth, walk and freedom, and live out our identity in Christ.

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[SPEAKER_00]: This is Michael Jerome, your host, I'm excited to be here with you today.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for being with us as we continue this conversation, this story,

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[SPEAKER_00]: around how experiencing the new requires shedding the old got to shed the old to experience the new.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, before we get into the show, did you know that I offer a complimentary 30-minute virtual discovery call where we'll talk about your story, where you feel stuck, and whether biblical counseling through a space of grace is the right next step for you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You can find

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now back to the show.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Today we're stepping into the film room to examine one of the biggest spiritual mistakes I've ever made and one I see hurting people make every single day and I striving to become without establishing a sense of belonging.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We were created to belong before we

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[SPEAKER_00]: And today, I'm going to show you why and how that truth can transform how you live out the rest of your days.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, seriously.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so we're going to start by looking at a scripture in Genesis 1 26 and 27 from the very beginning, then God said, let us make mankind in our image in our likeness so that they may rule over the efficiency and the birds in the sky.

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[SPEAKER_00]: over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over the creatures that move along the ground.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So God created mankind in his own image, and the image of God he created them, male and female he created them, and God blessed them and said to them, be fruitful and increase the number, fill the earth and subdue it, rule over the fish and the birds and the creatures, notice something remarkable.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And the beginning started with Adam and Eve before Adam worked before Eve a composting thing, before they messed up, before either one of them served, got caught them his image bears, created them in his likeness, their identity preceded their assignment.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The garden wasn't a performance review.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It was a place where mankind could flourish out of a sense of secure identity.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And here's a quick film room takeaway for you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: God never intended performance to establish identity.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Identity was always meant to produce faithful living.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And some of you listening today have reverse God's order.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I know that I had for many, many years.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You think, serve become belong, serve become belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But scripture teaches, belong become serve.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We were created to belong before we were asked to do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So what is belonging actually look like in real life?

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[SPEAKER_00]: What's that look like?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Well first of all, I want to give a sports illustration.

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[SPEAKER_00]: One of the things I love about sports is watching elite athletes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever watched or follow a league MVP, like an NFL NBA,

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[SPEAKER_00]: They don't spend the entire game or season trying to prove they deserve to be on the team.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Do they?

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[SPEAKER_00]: They already know that they belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You can see it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They're not wondering if the coach is going to cut them, after every miss shot or every turnover or every bad play.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They play from confidence, not for confidence.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They compete from identity.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and not for identity.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's why they can recover from mistakes.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They know one bad play doesn't erase who they are.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And spiritually, a lot of you are doing the exact opposite as I said before, this is what I did.

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[SPEAKER_00]: No, every prayer, every Bible study, every act of service becomes another attempt to prove you deserve a place on God's team or a place on some kind of ministry favor list.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I've seen something similar in counseling, people striving to do, to earn, to perform,

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[SPEAKER_00]: out of a desire to belong or be accepted or to be noticed and let me just plug in this observation from real life even.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Pay a child who grows up in a healthy home where love isn't earned but consistently experience often develops a secure sense of identity and to adulthood.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They don't have to spend their lives asking am I enough?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Will someone choose me?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have to perform to be love?

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[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that secure foundation often helps them build healthier relationships and recognize when something is unhealthy.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But many of you, a lot of you, you didn't experience that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You learned that acceptance, came through performance, being the good kid, getting the good grades, avoiding mistakes, people pleasing, and you annoyingly carry that pattern until your relationship with God.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that was my story.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That was my story completely as I as a look back looking back.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I can see I was searching for a belonging long before my marriage fall apart.

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[SPEAKER_00]: First, I look for it in my family of origin needed in family of origin.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Then I covet it in long for it in church ministry and finally I desperately fought for it and demanded it in some ways in marriage.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so my story has a name, how I chase belonging through performance.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Your story likely has a name as well.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So when I share my story, it is not about feeling sorry for me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I am simply painting a picture you might identify with.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm also not shaming and I'm not blaming anyone.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm simply naming, so naming your pain from your perspective.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's very important and something I tell my clients all the time.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm going to be hopefully uncomfortably vulnerable here.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you can handle brutal honesty with me telling my story without sugar coating it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So again, my family virgin, I learned early on in my family growing up that doing the right thing, brought safety, peace and affirmation in so many ways.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I wanted to be a good kid.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Why?

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I could feel accepted and not get my butt whipped or be humiliated by standing in a corner

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember my brothers and I sitting on the couch and complete stillness.

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[SPEAKER_00]: After we looked out the window and saw Dad's car arriving home.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Dad's mood controlled the entire home.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it was like it was literally like a thermostat.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And he was good.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The entire home atmosphere was good.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But if he was angry and happy or intoxicated, then that atmosphere was scary.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It was uncomfortable, discipline was harsh on the regular, didn't feel safe in the home for much of my middle childhood years, early childhood years.

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[SPEAKER_00]: As I got older, I was very insecure around everyone, and interesting enough is particularly around females.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to get into that story in another episode.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I essentially felt unliked if I wasn't like others, or as good as someone, or as attractive as others, or as smart as others.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I feared being in trouble a lot growing up.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I did almost everything out of a sense of fear or peace meant.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to displease or disappoint my mom, and I definitely didn't want to do or say anything that was throughout my dad's rap.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And the one phrase that was attached to my identity that I constantly heard from dad, something constantly heard was, he saw a SS inward.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And me and my brother heard this a lot growing up in our adolescents years.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I believe my dad intended it for for harm wasn't meant to break me down or make me timid, but that was the effect.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I tell you, I hate it how timid, cowardly and weak I was growing up through middle school and how it's picked on a lot by everybody and and so to compensate, I was an over cheaper at school.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was really good student.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I made really good grades.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was very obedient, I was quite as a mouse.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Y'all, I was like, on points, I was always one of the best kid in the class, all my teachers loved me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: One of the biggest things I learned as I reflected on this was, you know, as far as relationships, I didn't know how to love my dad, okay?

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[SPEAKER_00]: I only knew how to fear him, and I had trouble really loving anyone unconditionally.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It was more out of a fear of losing them or disappointing them or being harmed by them.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I realized as a reflect.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And here's a takeaway from that experience that I really want you to think about.

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[SPEAKER_00]: When love feels connected to performance, we carry that pattern into adulthood.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So when love feels connected to performance, we carry that pattern to adulthood, which leads to my experience at church as an adult 21-year-old college student.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Operating from the sorry ASS N word is subconsciously impacted me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I wasn't functioning like I was a child of God.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So there's 21-year-old college student operating from this sorry ASS N word subconsciously impacted me and not the dearly loved child of God that I was.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And because of that, I was a prime candidate for what would transpire over the next 30 years, which was a lot of spiritual abuse.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Fall of 1980 came to this church.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Some things were really good, devoted to reading the Bible and sharing my faith, but there was a lot of stuff that was not good.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and was very compliant towards church leadership, and I was afraid to be myself, my real self.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was afraid to disappoint, and so I just went along with the program, even though there's some things that were not good.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It was a harsh, spiritually and emotionally abusive environment.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Spiritual bullying was the norm in this environment, felt familiar in some ways, felt like home, constantly told what to do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: not asked or encouraged, told.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And then, but you know what, I would hear that voice.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You saw it as an inward.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I thought, and this is kind of what I deserve.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The temperature of the church environment, again, felt similar in some ways to the home I grew up in doing my younger years with dad.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I actually did love some aspects of church life, just as I enjoyed some of things about about my upbringing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But this church experience greatly tainted my view of God.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I believe

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[SPEAKER_00]: doing ministry meant being favored by God.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I thought the more I did, the closer I was becoming to God, but I was neglecting intimacy while pursuing activity.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I knew how to work for God, but I didn't know how to be with Him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Really be with Him.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I think that thought was scary.

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[SPEAKER_00]: My experience at home, largely with my dad, also affected my view of God.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I believe there was some crossover.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I saw God as a harsh father who was very begrudging when it came to showing love and kindness.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I worked very hard just to not get on this bad side.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And as I reflected on my experience as growing up, my lack of sense of belonging set me up to be exploited and controlled by this church organization.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now again, not blaming, not shaming, but naming.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's really important.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I had knowingly carried that same mindset into my marriage.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And like I had done in my family and with my church, I placed my relationship with my spouse on the pedestal.

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[SPEAKER_00]: My quiet mindset, quiet fear was, I don't want to disappoint her.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I must earn her acceptance.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If I can just become the right husband, that was what I would be thinking at.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, subconsciously, if we serve the enough, if we stay busy running around helping other people, everything would work because after all, I'm sorry, ASS in more, but activity couldn't replace intimacy, not with my spouse, not with Christ, not with church members.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so, and if I could summarize my

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[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't just trying to earn God's approval, or the church's approval, or my wife's approval.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was trying to earn a sense of belonging.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I had been searching for my entire life, my whole life.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So here's a truth that I have discovered as a why I missed the mark in resting in who I am, and why I have seen others in counseling missed this.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want you to miss this point.

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[SPEAKER_00]: There's a scripture in Matthew 22, which is just talking to the Pharisees.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I run a clip about marriage and there, there a misunderstanding.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And he says to them, you are an error because you do not know the scripture or the power of God.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Jesus doesn't say you don't work hard enough, you don't check all the boxes and do all the things.

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[SPEAKER_00]: He says you misunderstand God and you know what, I didn't know who God really was.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't seek to understand him from a deep level because I was too concerned with not disappointing him and fearing his wrath.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It was too much of an unhealthy fear

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[SPEAKER_00]: that kept me from intimate relationship with him, the sphere of going to hell, the sphere of being punished.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like the Pharisees here, I did not really know scripture or the power of God in my life, even though I knew a lot of Bible verses.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now your story is likely way different from mine.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yet, you may have drawn similar conclusions in how you relate to God, like when God so loves the world, but does He really love me?

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[SPEAKER_00]: And if so, why is all this stuff happen to me?

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[SPEAKER_00]: The broken marriage, the stunned spiritual and emotional growth, the difficulty finding my person, the estrangement from my family, the hiding.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The fear of conflict and disappointing others, the shame I felt when I constantly messed up or when I constantly messed up.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Listen to me, that kind of thinking kept me and walking in ignorance of the power of God and the love of God that was there to transform me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It kept me trapped for decades.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I was so blinded by my fear of man and my people pleasing paralysis that I didn't really experience God's affection to care for me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So,

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[SPEAKER_00]: Let me ask you, I mean, if you're stuck in a sin pattern decades, a sin pattern, unhealthy relationship pattern or a walk with Christ that is consistently up and down, up and down, years and years like this, up and down, even decades like that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I will say you are in error because you do not know.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You do not know as you should and you're trying to become and you don't believe you belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: But you know what, my friend, you don't have to stay there because you do not belong there.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I've had to learn it the hard way all those years.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, I've already paid the dummy tax because you can know Bible facts, you can volunteer, you can leave Bible studies, teach Sunday school, work in the kids kingdom, be leading songs, the church on Sundays, serve every week, you can be doing all those things and still quietly believe my value comes from what I produce.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's not relational Christianity.

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's performance, dressed in religious clothing, and it keeps you stuck.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't want you to have to stay there if that's where you are.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Relationship produces transformation, real relationship.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Performance produces exhaustion.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So what does belonging actually look like when it kind of dive into that as we kind of wrap up here?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Belonging isn't permission to remain immature.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Belonging is the secure foundation that makes transformation possible.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Ephesians chapter 1 tells us you are, bless, love, chosen, accept it, and include it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Blame was holy, adopt it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You have redemption, grace, forgiveness.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Your heritage is guaranteed.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You've been given the Holy Spirit, all this lavish love because we belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, children obey because they're already sons and daughters.

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[SPEAKER_00]: They don't obey hoping to become family and God doesn't invite you into his family because you've become impressive.

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[SPEAKER_00]: He transforms you because you've become his.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And I really struggle to understand that.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So, hey, it's time to set the record straight about our identity and our sensible longing.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If you're going to go on in your faith, the gospel tells us,

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[SPEAKER_00]: the truth about our relationship with our creator.

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[SPEAKER_00]: The voice of shame screams that you are a worthless feeling the blank.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, SS and word for me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, God doesn't see you as a sorry pathetic loser fell your douchebag piece of crap.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Put a name in there.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to put a name there because you can't change what you won't name.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Name it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Idiot.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Crybaby, Fatso, Ugly, or maybe something more demeaning.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, who told you this?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Where'd you hear this?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Likely someone you love, respect it, or greatly fear, idolize, or pedestalize.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, they may not have used these very words, but their words and actions make you feel this way.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And they may not have been, it may not have been their intention to harm you, but you were still harmed.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And again, it's not about blaming a parent or a teacher, it's not about shaming a coach or a pastor or an ex, but you better name it.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You got to name the story, the feeling from your perspective because you can't change what you won't name.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and I am living proof of this and it almost killed me.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So the recap today we discovered we were created to belong before we were caught to perform.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Many of us learned performance based identity at home and we carried it into church and we carried it into marriage or work or someplace but also Jesus causes back to secure

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, perhaps today's conversation resonated with you, and I hope it resonated with you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you realize you spent years carrying a weight that God never asked you to carry.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you've been trying to earn what crisis already made available.

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[SPEAKER_00]: If that's you, I'm glad you hit your here, because you belong, you belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to kind of close up this episode with a locker room prayer over you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And so if you're able to, if you can bow as we pray,

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[SPEAKER_00]: Father, thank you that we don't have to perform our way into your presence.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to earn your love.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to accomplish enough, serve enough, no enough, or become enough to prove that we belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You love us before we ever did anything for you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: and teaches that true transformation doesn't begin with trying harder.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It begins with knowing you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: We belong to you.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, teach us how to become the people you've called us to be in Jesus' name, amen.

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[SPEAKER_00]: All right, film room, take that prayer with you this week.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to prove that you belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You get to live from the truth that Christ that in Christ you already do.

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[SPEAKER_00]: You already belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So today, we identified the problem, hopefully performance isn't the answer, Brian Harder isn't the answer, becoming more religious isn't the answer because you can't become what you're trying to earn, you become because you've already been invited to belong.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So what actually creates lasting transformation with the transformation last?

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[SPEAKER_00]: That's exactly what we're going to impact next time.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to walk you through the framework that completely changed how I understand spiritual growth.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's the same framework that reshaped my faith guys after one of the darkest seasons of my life.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It's become the foundation of how I counsel individuals, couples, and families today.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So hit that subscribe button.

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[SPEAKER_00]: so that you don't miss our next episode.

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[SPEAKER_00]: And please drop a comment in the chat.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I would love to hear from you and do me a favor to a friend of favor and share the podcast.

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[SPEAKER_00]: It just might change someone's trajectory.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for joining me today.

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[SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you next time in the biblical film room where God's Word becomes the replay that changes your life.

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[SPEAKER_00]: So until then, watch the film, renew your mind and live the truth.

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[SPEAKER_00]: God's be, we'll see you soon.