Before You Go Forward, Look Back: Examining Your Family of Origin

The Hidden Source of Your Struggles

What if the reason I keep struggling with the same patterns today has less to do with where I am and more to do with where I came from? It's probably something I haven't considered, but I might want to take a closer look.

Before I try to change what I'm doing, I need to take a look at where I learned to do it. Because some of the ways I relate, believe, and respond today were being formed long before I was old enough to understand what was happening.

Today I'm going to give you one first step, the one first step you can take if you're ready to move from stuck to breakthrough. Hey, welcome to the Biblical Film Room, a place where we slow down, reflect, and let scripture examine our lives so we can grow in truth, walk in freedom, and live out our identity in Christ. I'm Michael Jerome, your host. Thanks for tuning in.

The First Step Forward is Backward

In our last episode, we talked about the cost of staying stuck. We asked the question: do you want to get well? But wanting change creates another question. Where do I start?

Most advice tells people what to do next, but doesn't always tell them where to begin. And I'm not going to give you five things to do today. I'm giving you one.

The one step. The first step forward is a courageous look backward. I must look backward and begin examining my family of origin.

Not to blame, not to live in the past or diagnose my parents or excuse my behavior, but to understand my formation. You see, I was being formed before I knew I was being formed.

Lessons from the First Classroom

My primary caregivers helped shape my early understanding of many things, such as love, safety, trust, authority, and conflict. They shaped my identity, belonging, affection, rejection, responsibility, and being vulnerable.

Long before we had the language to explain relationships, we were learning what relationships were supposed to feel like. I mean, the attachment style I operate in today, whether it's anxious, preoccupied, avoidant, dismissive, fearful, disorganized, or secure, was learned and developed in my primary family.

The family is often our first classroom for belonging. So, here is a food for thought question for you. What did I learn about belonging in my first home?

If I'm thinking, "I learned I belonged in the kitchen helping with the dishes after dinner," then what did that teach me? Okay, seriously now, was it easy and safe to be myself growing up?

I mean, did I receive lots of hugs and compliments? Did I feel like I had to perform to feel good about myself? Or did I isolate in my room to avoid being seen?

A Biblical Case Study: Jacob and Esau

We're going to look at a biblical example of what two boys learned about belonging in their home and how it impacted their relationship into adulthood. Jacob and Esau: a close-up of a dysfunctional family.

And this family was as dysfunctional as it gets. We'll see in the story a lot of chaos. But we're going to start from the beginning and look at a story in Genesis chapter 25.

I want to encourage you to read from chapter twenty-five through chapter thirty-three. If you really want to get a good picture and snapshot of family of origin and how it impacts you, and how it interprets your reality and your relationships today, study out Genesis 25 through 33.

Okay, so we're gonna look at one verse, verse 28. "Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob." There we have a snapshot of our first clue.

Isaac favored Esau, and Rebecca favored Jacob. You see what's happening here? In this particular family, favoritism was the dynamic and norm in this home.

The Fallout of Dysfunctional Patterns

Favoritism often says, "You are important because you can do something that benefits or accommodates me. I am pleased because you do something that makes me happy. And you are better than other people, even your own siblings."

This may not be my story, but there are other selfish traits that people learn from their primary caregiver. I once met with a couple where the wife really struggled with criticism of her husband constantly.

When I met with her one-on-one, I discovered that she grew up in a home where she never felt like she was enough and that possibly other siblings were favored over her. She heard nothing but criticism and comparison.

That was part of this person's story that operated in her current marital relationship. Now let's get back to our story of Jacob and Esau.

Here are some of the subsequent fallouts as a result of the favoritism. If you skip down to verse 29, now these boys they're adults. They're living in the home there.

It says, "Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said, 'Let me have some of that red stew. I'm famished.' Jacob replied, 'Hey, first sell me your birthright.' 'What is the birthright worth to me? I'm about to die.' And Jacob said, 'No, swear to me first.' So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob." So Esau despised his birthright.

Then further on in Genesis chapter 27, you see a picture of this interaction. This family dynamic is on full display here. Isaac's getting old and he's about to die.

He reaches a point where he's gonna give his blessing to the firstborn. He calls in Esau, says, "I want you to go out and kill some game and bring it back and prepare it and give it to me, and then I'm going to give you my blessing."

Meanwhile, Rebecca's in the background, she hears this conversation going on. So she's eavesdropping, and of course, she favors her younger son and wants him to have the blessing.

Rebecca encourages Jacob to deceive his father and steal a blessing from his brother as the firstborn. Okay, so that happens. He comes in, dresses in clothes that make it appear that it was Esau, and deceives his father.

Father Isaac gives Jacob the blessing. Esau comes in from hunting and is told that the blessing was already given to his younger brother. He sought a change of mind with pleading and tears, but to no avail.

And so after that, then Rebecca sends Jacob away. Because she's a snoop and a know-it-all, she discovers her older son Esau, whom she conspired against, wants to kill Jacob. She protects Jacob from the consequences of all his deceit and manipulation, and then sends him away.

Here are the outcomes of the damage done to the two brothers experiencing favoritism. For Jacob, you see deceit and manipulation. He sought blessing and position to feel secure. He lacked integrity and ran from responsibility.

For Esau, he became an impulsive decision maker. He was resentful, vengeful, angry, and bitter. He was relationally distant from his brother and experienced an estrangement from both of his parents.

Man, go figure. It's no surprise that this was the results of these men as they grew up into adulthood. Their family environment became part of the formation of how they related, believed, and responded.

I mean, imagine what Jacob believed he had to do to receive what he wanted. He probably felt he had to deceive, cheat, manipulate, people please, and tell half-truths.

And what do you think Esau believed about what had been taken away from him? He sought the blessing with tears. He probably believed he was entitled to what was rightfully his, and he was wronged, and it should have been made right.

To some extent, I agree. But he despised his birthright from the very beginning. The book of Hebrews calls him godless and warns us not to be like him.

He probably felt like he had the right to take revenge, to hate his parents, and a desire to kill his brother. And you know what? He made life hell for his parents with the choices he made, particularly the women he chose to marry.

Favoritism, competition, deception, and unmet desires shaped the brothers' relationship and completely disrupted it. They were estranged from each other for many years.

Your History is Not Your Destiny

Now, our family of origin doesn't determine our future, but it can influence the lens through which we interpret our present. The Bible chronicles Jacob's entire life.

We can see it throughout the rest of the book of Genesis. He struggled with showing favoritism in his marriages to Leah and Rachel and favored his youngest son Joseph over the other sons.

Dude lived a hard life. He probably was the inventor of the statement, "life's hard." Life is hard, but it's harder for the hard-hearted.

And yet, just like Jacob, what we learned in our family of origin can become what we live. If I learned love was earned, for instance, I may become a people pleaser.

Maybe conflict was unsafe. If so, I may tend to avoid difficult conversations. Amen, that was me. It's a work in progress, still working on that, growing in it, but still working on it.

Did I grow up in a home where emotions were dismissed? Then I possibly struggle to identify or express them. If control created safety, I may struggle to trust.

There are those who grew up being responsible for everyone else's emotions. Those individuals usually struggle with boundaries. What about affirmation? If it was inconsistent, I may constantly seek validation.

Hey, can I relate to any of these family conditions? If so, listen to me. What I learned in my family of origin may explain some of my patterns, but it doesn't have to become my permanent identity.

My family of origin may have shaped me, but it doesn't have the final word about me. Remember the G-R-A in the Grace Framework?

The G: God loves me just as I am. The R: He refuses to leave me there. The A: He affirms my identity and worth.

My family may have communicated I aren't enough. But Christ in His grace says, "You belong to me." My family may have taught I have to perform to be loved.

But grace says my identity is received, not achieved. People might not recognize my value. They don't get to assign a value less than the one I have already received from God.

Action Step: The Family of Origin Inventory

I talked about the one first step earlier. And this podcast episode's not going to be very long because I'm just going to get to the point. That one first step.

I want to introduce it here. It's not revolutionary, but it's important. But it could be revolutionary, though. Depends on how you take it.

Here it is: Create a family of origin inventory. Family of origin inventory. I want to encourage you to find a quiet place and block out some time and reflect on the following.

What did my family teach me, explicitly or implicitly, about belonging, love, conflict, emotions, success, failure, and God? Write down what comes to mind. Really take some time to do this.

Write down that list. But don't try to solve, judge, or fix it. Just notice it. Just notice it.

I want to give you a list of prompts you might want to use:

• In my home, love felt like...

• To belong, I learned I had to...

• When someone was angry, what happened?

• When I was sad, what was the result?

• When I failed, this was the outcome.

• Conflict was handled by...

• I learned that asking for help meant...

• I learned that God was...

What did I learn about God in my family of origin? Or did I learn anything about God? But don't try to figure everything out today, that day. Just start noticing.

Hey, that's your one step. And please, please take it to heart. I really need to do this if I've been stuck in a negative pattern and an unhealthy relationship.

If I struggle with procrastination or perfectionism, I need to do this. Okay. It would be good for me to take the time. I recommend this.

Connecting the Dots for Transformation

Here's the reason, guys. I recommend this because I repeatedly see these themes show up in counseling. I've seen it in my own life. And I've heard it from client after client.

Even the client that I mentioned to you earlier, I saw pretty quickly that the criticism that was coming up in her marriage wasn't so much about the dynamic in the marriage. It was more so about what she had learned in her family of origin.

So when I do this assignment, this family of origin inventory, the goal isn't merely remembering childhood and childhood pain. It's connecting the dots.

Does that make sense? I'm connecting dots. I'm trying to figure out, okay, why do I have this certain pattern? Because here's the thing: I can't begin changing a pattern I can't see.

But when I begin seeing the connection between what I learn, what I believe, and how I respond, I have a starting point for transformation. And that's good news.

Looking backward can help me begin to understand why I respond the way I do, why certain relationships trigger me, why belonging feels difficult, why I perform, why I tend to hide, or why I struggle with boundaries.

Ultimately, it can help me distinguish between what I learned about myself and what God says is actually true about me. And that's the bridge.

Reflect on family of origin leads to awareness. And that awareness leads to examining truth through the lens of scripture. And scripture helps restore assigned identity. And the identity enacts the processes that lead to transformation.

Locker Room Prayer and Takeaways

Here are some film room takeaways that I have for you. I got four.

Number one: My family origin may explain my patterns, but it doesn't have to determine my future.

Number two: I can't change what I haven't learned to recognize.

Number three: Before I try to do something different, I must understand what taught me to do it in the first place. That's a good place to start.

Number four: Look backward. Not to live there, but to understand what I'm carrying forward.

Because sometimes the first step forward is a courageous look backward. Maybe it's time to take that step of courage today.

If I begin this process and realize I'm uncovering things that are difficult to navigate alone, that's exactly where counseling can help. And I'd love to invite you to schedule a complimentary, 30-minute discovery call with me through A Space of Grace Counseling.

We'll talk about your story, what you're discovering, and whether biblical counseling might be a good next step for you. You'll find the scheduling link in the show notes. Now back to the show.

So I want to go ahead and lead us in our locker room prayer at this time.

Father, give us the courage to look backward without getting stuck there. Help us see what shaped us. Bring those things into your truth. And remember that our past may explain us, but it does not have to define us. Show us who we are in Christ and give us courage to take the next step in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen.

All right. So, here's your assignment for this week. I just want to reiterate: don't try to fix everything. Just look as you're doing this family of origin inventory.

Take some time to examine your family of origin and ask yourself: what did I learn about belonging, love, conflict, emotions, and identity? Because sometimes before you can go forward, you have to be willing to look backward.

Next time, we're going to highlight a real-life example. I'm going to share a client story, maybe several, that shows what can happen when someone is willing to look backward, not to stay there, but to finally understand what they've been carrying forward.

Because when I understand the pattern, I can begin to interrupt the pattern. So you don't want to miss that episode. Hit that subscribe button so that you don't miss any future episodes.

And please drop a comment in the chat. I still would love to hear from you. So go ahead and drop a comment in the chat. And as always, share the podcast. It just might bring clarity to someone's spiritual direction.

Thanks for joining me today. Hey, go be a world changer, but not a stranger. So I'll see you next time in the biblical film room, where God's word becomes the replay that changes your life. See you soon. Adios.

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